Why Love is the Secret for Feedback and Growth

Last updated: August 19, 2026

I imagine you like to laugh, but how do you feel about being laughed at?

We will all be laughed at by others for something, at some time, whether that is for our actions, our words, or our beliefs. Rather than 'going postal', we usually laugh it off and get on with our day, but it is my experience that even the calmest people have a sensitive spot that doesn't respond well to ridicule.

Can You Take a Joke?

I am English by Birth and married to a Brazilian. This sentence alone often evokes laughter because the cultural differences are so obvious. When we first met, my wife expressed a Brazilian idea:

"It's better to lose the friend than lose the joke".

This means that nothing is out of bounds, and in today's PC culture, where people are easily offended, this is a radical concept.

I bravely accepted the challenge but was unprepared for the realization of how many 'sensitive spots' I was carrying, and for the challenge to my self-image when they were pointed out. This post would be too long if I listed them all, but the number-one taboo for me was making fun of my driving (I recently had to get used to driving a manual on the right side of the road).

When nothing is off-limits to ridicule, you develop greater self-awareness and self-leadership; you have to engage your critical thinking about why you hold certain beliefs and behave in certain ways. Yes, it can be uncomfortable, but I am fortunate to have received this feedback from someone I love and who loves me.

Love, Feedback, and Growth

This is my point: holding back for fear of offending deprives that person of an opportunity for growth, but if you are going to have some fun, make sure that it comes from love.

 In the case of my wife Andrea, pictured here, this is romantic love, but if you are a leader or a manager, this means loving your people and seeing their potential for growth. If the word love is too 'mushy' for you, then replace it with Unconditional Positive Regard (UPR).

UPR was popularized by humanistic psychologist Carl Rogers, who argued in a foundational 1957 paper that it's one of three conditions necessary for a person to grow: unconditional positive regard, empathy, and congruence.

UPR means full acceptance of the person, not approval of everything they do, but a refusal to let your regard for them become conditional on their behavior.

Empathy means understanding their experience from the inside, not just observing it. Congruence is the one most people skip: It means genuineness - your outward expression actually matching what you feel inside, rather than a polished, professional facade of acceptance covering a real reaction underneath. It's easy to talk about accepting someone unconditionally in the abstract. It's harder to notice the moment you've quietly swapped the real, current version of yourself for a calmer, more composed one because the composed version feels safer to show. This is close to what I mean by executive presence's composure dimension: staying genuinely grounded under pressure rather than performing a calm you don't actually feel.

Rogers made it clear that UPR only works if it's real. Performing acceptance while privately irritated isn't UPR; it's incongruence, and people generally sense the gap even when it's not named. There's a reason for that: reading other people and understanding your own internal state share overlapping brain circuitry, which is likely part of why a performed version of calm or acceptance is so rarely as convincing as the real thing. This is actually the deeper logic behind "don't lose the joke." Suppressing your honest reaction to avoid offense isn't kindness; it's a kind of dishonesty that erodes trust over time. Real UPR has room for the joke, because it doesn't depend on either person performing a version of themselves the other has to manage.

Many years ago, I had an intern, Radu, who requested regular coaching from me to support his development. One morning, Radu did something that made my blood boil; I don't remember what it was, but I remember being mad at him. That afternoon we had our coaching session scheduled. I realized that if I took my anger and criticism into that session, I would not be a good coach. I took some breaths, let go of the past, and focused on my unconditional positive regard for Radu.

Today, Radu is a successful entrepreneur and author and credits much of his success to my coaching. How different might his trajectory have been if I had lost my cool in that coaching session?

That pause, breathing before walking into the session rather than carrying the anger in with me, is self-regulation, one of the three drivers of self-leadership. UPR is easy to hold as an intention. What actually determines whether you can offer it in the moment that tests it is whether you've built the self-regulation to choose your response rather than act from whatever you're feeling. Good intentions toward UPR collapse the instant the interaction becomes uncomfortable, unless that capacity is already in place.

I have not always approached differences of opinion with love and UPR; I have created conflict when I have argued my position too strongly, made the other person feel belittled, and made myself look arrogant. As I have gotten older and a little wiser, this happens less, and I seek to show my UPR before engaging in debate.

A Practice: Leading with UPR Before a Hard Conversation

If you have a difficult conversation or piece of feedback ahead of you, try this before you begin:

1. Name the emotion you're actually carrying. Irritated, disappointed, defensive, whatever it is. You can't set it aside if you haven't identified it.
2. Separate the person from the behavior. Silently affirm what you value about this person, distinct from the specific thing you need to address.
3. Check for congruence, not just politeness. Ask yourself honestly: am I actually at peace with this person, or am I performing calm while still irritated? If it's the latter, take a few more minutes before you begin.
4. Say the honest thing. Once regard is genuine, the feedback itself can be direct. UPR isn't a reason to soften the message; it's what makes the direct version land as care rather than attack.

Learn to Laugh

Good comedians can get us to laugh at sensitive topics by showing how ridiculous certain perspectives can be. I love watching an edgy comedian skillfully navigate taboo topics that politicians use as talking points to create divisiveness.

When we laugh, we step back from the situation and see things from a different viewpoint. We can all become less reactive by not taking ourselves too seriously and by embracing the insights that come from laughter. So, my advice is:

Don't ridicule others without UPR but don't lose the joke.
Don't be so sensitive that you can't see the funny side of your own beliefs and behavior.

In Summary

I'm not a comedian, as my wife frequently points out, but I am a Global Speaker on Self-leadership, so I get to talk about taking ownership in different countries and cultures. I have learned that I only need to be funny if I want to get paid, but if I'm going to be funny, I should not make fun of my audience. Once I have established UPR, I can then challenge beliefs and behaviors and invite my audience to have a growth mindset.

The maxim that I employ, and that I encourage you to adopt, comes from Maya Angelou:

"People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care."

Frequently Asked Questions

What is Unconditional Positive Regard (UPR)?
A concept from psychologist Carl Rogers meaning full acceptance and support of a person regardless of what they say or do. It's one of three conditions Rogers identified in 1957 as necessary for growth, alongside empathy and congruence. In a leadership context, it means seeing someone's potential and valuing them as a person even while addressing a specific behavior.

What are Carl Rogers' three core conditions for growth?
Unconditional positive regard, empathy, and congruence. UPR is unconditional acceptance of the person. Empathy is understanding their experience from their own frame of reference. Congruence is genuineness, being real rather than performing acceptance you don't actually feel. Rogers argued all three are needed together; UPR without congruence is just polite avoidance.

How do you give feedback without offending someone?
Establish unconditional positive regard first, so the person knows their value to you isn't in question, then address the specific behavior directly and honestly. Feedback delivered with genuine care lands very differently from the same words delivered in irritation, even when the content is identical.

How does self-leadership relate to giving good feedback?
Self-regulation, one of the three drivers of self-leadership, is what makes UPR possible under real pressure. Feeling irritated or defensive and choosing not to act from that state, pausing before a difficult conversation rather than entering it reactively, is a self-regulation skill. Without it, good intentions toward UPR collapse the moment the interaction gets uncomfortable.

How does congruence relate to executive presence?
Congruence, genuineness under pressure, is close to what executive presence calls composure: remaining grounded rather than performing a facade when things get uncomfortable. A leader who fakes calm while privately irritated isn't actually composed, they're incongruent, and people tend to sense the gap even when they can't name it.