Empathy - why listening with heart pays dividends
by Andrew Bryant
Executive Coach and Leadership Trainer
Whether you are a leader, a manager or coach empathy is a core competency that improves your communication and relationships. Some people are naturally empathetic (people oriented) whilst others need to work on their empathy skills (task oriented).
Empathy involves experiencing the feelings of another without losing one's own identity. It involves accurate response to another's needs without being infected by them. Empathy is at the heart of your emotional intelligence.
By using empathy effectively you can reduce conflict, increase teamwork and productivity, so in this month's article we will cover some key steps to increasing your empathy. These will either resonate with you or you might want to e-mail them to a friend or colleague (see link at the bottom of the page).
1) Listen seriously for others needs and concerns
Really listening means not just being quiet and nodding, but listening for what the other person needs. When we really listen, we can pick up on what's not being said, such as the other person's fears or concerns. An empathetic listener will encourage further elaboration and clarification.
Peter: "I'm not sure I really fit in with this organisation"
Empathetic Listener (EL): "Really? What's happening to make you feel this way?"
Peter: "Despite working over-time and exceeding my targets, I've not even received a thank you."
EL: "So you need to feel acknowledged?"
2) Acknowledge emotions
Our emotions move us towards or away from what's important to us. Everyone has emotions and to deny them is to miss a vital piece of the communication puzzle. When someone is sharing their emotions, either upbeat or downbeat ones, it is essential to acknowledge that person's emotions. When we accurately identify and acknowledge an emotion the speaker feels heard and understood; upbeat emotions increase and downbeat emotions dissipate.
Sharon: "I'm so angry! He showed blatant disrespect by going over my head."
EL: "So you are really angry that he went over your head."
Sharon: "Yeah, that's what I'm angry about."
EL: "OK, so you are angry about this event, but I'm wondering what would you like to have happen in the future?
Sharon: "Well, I'd like him to talk to me if he has a problem rather than go over my head."
EL: "OK, so do you think your current level of anger will allow that to happen?"
Sharon: "No, I guess not."
EL: "So what do you want to think and feel?"
3) Reserve judgment and advice
Judging and giving advice are guaranteed to block empathy. Judgment is especially hard to avoid, as when we hear someone speaking we immediately make comparisons with our own mental maps and begin to label the speaker's situation as good or bad, right or wrong. To avoid judgment we must accept the speaker and their situation as is - it is what it is. By listening with an accepting frame of mind we empathise with the speaker and are then in a position to encourage them to find a solution. This is different from offering advice which comes out of our own mental map and disempowers the speaker from finding their own solution. Avoid at all costs saying anything like, "OK, you screwed up, let me tell you what I think you should do."
4) Support the other to find a solution
By really listening, understanding the speaker's needs and acknowledging their emotions, not judging or giving advice you will have earned enough trust to facilitate the speaker finding a solution for themselves. At first this may seem much less satisfying than appearing knowledgeable and freely giving of your wisdom, however you may be pleasantly surprised that by creating a relationship that allows the other to find their own solution that it is much more rewarding for several reasons. Firstly the solution they come up with will be better suited to them and may even be more creative than yours, secondly you have now empowered them to find other solutions in the future and thirdly they are more likely to thank and respect you.
In summary
At first, building empathy might seem time consuming and takes a lot of effort, but in fact as it becomes a habit it can occur quickly and requires much less energy than dealing with conflict or trying to solve everyone's problems. There is now plenty of evidence that managers and coaches that practice empathy get greater productivity in a shorter time.
Self Leadership International has assisted individuals and organisations to increase their emotional intelligence. To find out more contact us.